


Flowers

by RebelWithHeartofGold



Series: Dean doesn't speak [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean doesn't speak, Flowers, M/M, Poor Dean, depressed, symbolism in flowers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2019-01-08 06:40:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12249021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelWithHeartofGold/pseuds/RebelWithHeartofGold
Summary: Dean delivers flowers





	Flowers

**Author's Note:**

> This may be the last since season 13 is coming, I might not do specifically sad 12.23 codas but I may stil do heartbreaking headcanons.

He ignores the world around him now. Tunes out his surroundings and he walks the pavement to the garden of flowers. Forget-me-nots, chrysanthemums, sunflowers, roses, daisies, and dandelions. He cares for the flowers now and makes sure the flowers are in bloom and are taken care of. He doesn't want them die, it would hurt for him to have them die.

They've been growing ever since they threw Cas' ashes near the lake where he was taken from him. He stays in the house now and made a home out of it. He tries to make a home out of it. It's hard to think of it as a home when he knew Cas died here, Cas would've raised the nephiliam here, and maybe Dean would've stayed here and helped Cas with everything. The flowers are blooming and look beautiful as the wind goes through, engulfing Dean in warmth. He lays down over Cas' wings where they line up where his shoulder blades meet. He likes to lay down or sit down when he wants to visit Cas.

He would run his hands through the flowers and water them. He does gardening now to care for the flowers and make sure they don't die.

_Like Cas._

He tries not to dwell on that thought and continues to stare into the sunny sky. It was a lovely day with a slight breeze that made it not too hot.

_The flowers are in bloom, Cas, and I know you would've loved to see them_

He likes to think Cas can. That he's watching him from somewhere above or someplace else and smiling. That he sees the flowers blooming and thinks it's a nice gesture and the flowers are looking exquisite. Dean tries not to think about how much he'd rather have him here, how he badly wishes Cas was laying down next to him or even in the house inside sleeping or watching TV. He lets a few tears stream down his face at the thought of Cas not being here and instead he only has his wings burned on the ground to remind him of his angel.

He thinks about how Cas would be upset seeing Dean force himself to live. Force himself every morning to get up and try to make it through the day. Make it through without crying or drinking. He's been sober for three months now even though there are times where he's close to grabbing a beer and drinking till he passes out and forgets about his pain. He believes Cas would be upset seeing him drown his sorrows which is why he stopped, he didn't think Cas would like Dean to numb himself and hurt himself. He stopped for Cas.

He hasn't left the house unless he needed groceries or even gardening supplies. It's hard for him to leave the house for a long period of time. He remembers Sam had to pick him up from across the road because the sudden realization of Cas never coming home hit Dean so hard he had to pull over and sob for hours. Sam found him with tears streaming down his face and his hands gripped the wheels so tight his knuckles were white. He hasn't been out of the house in weeks, sometimes Sam would get him groceries and visit him for a bit. He stays in the bunker because of the books and information it contains for hunting.

Last time Sam visited he commented that Dean hasn't shaved in a while and his stomach lost its pudge. Dean doesn't see a point in shaving unless he's in the mood to. He shaved today because he wanted to lay with Cas for a while until sunset or even later. He eats a bit more than a few bites and felt accomplished when he ate a full bowl of cereal.

He doesn't hunt anymore as he's lost all motivation. He feels if he hunts, he'll get himself killed. It's tempting, so tempting to just not care whether or not he lived. To just hell with it, but he can't do that to Sam and Cas. Sam would be devastated, he already lost his best friend, he can't lose his brother. Cas would be disappointed in him, he doesn't want that. Sam and Cas keep him going and will continue to do so till he can't anymore. He still helps other hunters as much as he can. He helps them with new hunts, research, calls, and fake IDs, badges, and information on the creature(s). It isn't much but it's all he can do.

He also keeps tabs on Jack to make sure he isn't up to trouble. He would've been pissed if Jack didn't turn out what Cas expected. But Jack is even better, he helps others and Cas would've been thrilled if he's still here.

_If he's still here._

His heart clenches at that thought. He pushes it down, he's here to admire the flowers and the beauty Cas has created around him. Even when he's gone, his light follows him. The flowers surround the wings where he's laying and he smiles at the thought that Cas is engulfing him in his own hug. A flower hug. A small laugh makes it's way out of Dean. It's a crazy thought, ridiculous even to think about. He knows that this, this moment is reserved for Cas, only for Cas. No one else can take this away from him, no one can take away Dean's pain and ache and that's the twisted horrible truth. Only Cas can, only Cas can fill the gaping hole in his chest. He knows he'll get to the point where it won't feel like someone stabbed him in the chest and ripped it out. But for now, there's a bleeding gaping hole in his chest that no one can mend.

He hasn't been genuinely happy in a long time.

There are days when he grabs his journal with him and sits down outside near Cas' grave. He fills it with drawings of Cas and every detail he remembers of him. He doesn't want to forget Cas. Never wants to forget the person who changed his life. Who helped him when no one else would. Who cared and loved him so deeply profound. Cas is the one person no one can replace, ever. He would always be in Dean's heart, something always there lodged. No one can fill that hole in his heart now that Cas is gone and he doesn't want anyone to. He knows it'll never be filled because he knows it's only for Cas to fill it himself. That place in his heart was made for Cas and Cas only.


End file.
